Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I can tell
With Saosin - I Can Tell playing in the background...I know that subconsciously sometimes, I make decisions unknowingly. With the subconscious decisions made comes unexpected consquences. And then I think to myself and say: "What exactly went wrong?"
My heart breaks when yours aches.
I know that deep inside me lies a vulnerable me that falters easily. I hate it, but its undeniable that practically nothing knocks me down, because I get over and done with things really quickly. Maybe that's why people like looking up for me when they have problems. Because they are usually pretty sure that I'm not troubled and hence, be in a better position to help them out. I know I'm faltering when I'm unable to say no, unable to control my emotions. Right at this moment, I'm more than satisfied to be able to see you practically everything, and feel your touch sometimes, to smell your hair, and whatnot.
And if I can't hug you, I'll make do with embracing my heart.
It pains me so, but just because I know you're in much agony and trauma.
Please believe me, I never intended for all these complexities to set in. I really didn't.
If you keep asking me I'll melt away in the summer air
It won't hurt half as much and I'll beg for you to stop it now
If you keep asking me I'll melt away in the summer air
It won't hurt half as much and I'll beg for you just tell me something
I just like the melody of this part of the song, so emo.
If only I had the strength I'd be completely accepting somebody else.
I hope it comes soon.
posted@8:32 PM
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Calling all owners of bitches and hitches.
Do YOU have an un-measurable passion for dogs and what-not???
Do YOU wish you could help 5 very nice people achieve their goals???
And let them get into University AS SMOOTHLY AS POSSIBLE.
So that can earn enough money to erm, BUY MORE DOG FOOD and all that jazz.
IF SO!!!! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE WANTED!!!!!!
Kindly click here to help my PW group complete a VERY short survey on Dogs. Do this ONLY if you owned/own a DOG now. I mean own as in you have it, not like you fought wrestling and owned it that kind yeah. PLEASE!!!!!! HELP SPREAD THE WORD AND LOVE!!!!!!!!! HELP US!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG, WELL, ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO DO DAMNIT.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted@10:21 PM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
How farnnnnny....
Because..yenpei: ehh. i saw these photos. it's all drawn la. -.- it's fake!
Fine. I'm a retard now. ; ;
posted@10:01 PM
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Talk about irony.
Please click on the image for a larger, readable, viewable, reasonable, suitable, pleasurable (sounds wrong), can-see-able version.
Quite the cute leh, this friend of mine. Oh yeah feel free to add him on MSN, his email is right smack on the center of the page. Kinda long but yeah...
posted@9:26 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
Advices
Advices - Things you say to others in times of distress. Words of comfort, allowing the opposite party to be at ease, to feel more at home.
I think many people strive to be the almighty one who delivers top notch advices at first hand to people in trouble. I also think that these people don't need to try so hard, because:
1)People won't look for you in the first place if you're not the one they think they can count on for some ideal advice.
2)Sometimes keeping quiet is the best solution to any situation.
I think the former needs no explaination, and on to the latter. I'm not sure if advice is what most people are looking for at most times, but you sure do know that these people do need a listening ear. This applies for myself for sure, because when I'm down and all, all I want to do is for someone who can listen, and whom I know will be interested in listening to what I have to say. She doesn't have to be the one to give the best advices, but little words that respond to what I have to say every now and then work miracles. I mean afterall, I'm there because I've got things inside my heart waiting to pour out isn't it?
So whether your situation is of a first or second category, you're not exactly that hopeless really. But again, if you're the kind to give advices, is giving the best advices always the good solution? I live by my principles, and I try my best to practice what I preach. Okay maybe not preach, but advice, or basically just my philosophy of life. You know it's really difficult sometimes to do what you actually think you can do? Like the age old saying: Saying is one thing, doing is another. How much truth holds in this statement, tell me.
posted@10:43 PM
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Because you're concerned.
Many times, the roots of which we call reason are practically and effectively similar. This is especially so touching on the topic of 'Concern', pure genuine concern.I recently read that the subconscious side of us influences our decisions, thoughts and ultimately actions pretty much to a favourable extent. One you can call large. I've been pondering on the topic for a long time, and came up with a few conclusions. In short, I kind of agree with the statement.
We often find ourselves in situations which we feel the other party is more than just a nag and nuisance. It's always easy to judge people, but never easy to take a step back and think about what others really are. This occurs to most people, myself included. What we perceive as negative attributes, such as nervousness, anxiety, anger etc are most of the times fueled by positive intentions. Our judgement is often influenced by the negative attributes, but by stepping back and think about things carefully, we find ourselves seeing more positive intentions.
It is often crucial before any competition, major or minor to be able to keep calm. I strongly despise asshats and dumbfucks who would stoop low at any level to criticise people who aren't able to keep their nerve, and even calling them names like 'Nervous-wrecker', 'Pussy' or whatever crap shit of that genre. I feel that such people do not even realise how anxiety and nervousness about a competition is more than often caused by concern, concern for the competition. To put it simply, why give more than half a damn when the competition/event means nothing to you?
I apologise for sounding a little harsh, because the auditions are still getting to me. I was nervous, but nobody criticised me for it. I just had to make a tiny link. Anyhow, in most relationships, I think it's important to be able to take a step back at all times to look at the entire situation carefully. Jealousy, possesiveness and feelings of those genre are common in relationships. But, do think closely, and try to relate concern to those so-called negative feelings. Or even nonsensical, irritable reactions, whatever you might call it.
As always, Ivan loves making conclusions using relationships. But remember, do everything in moderation. Just nice, don't overkill.
posted@12:45 PM
Friday, August 19, 2005
L'infantile terrible of CJC
I've totally lost faith in the human race, and its struggle and manipulation of authority and power. What's wrong with the world you say? Hell kid, you obviously have seen nothing beyond that fucked up comfort zone you're proudly shouting out from.Today we went for auditions on Teacher's Day. And today we failed to get through. I'm feeling fucking pissed now I swear, but nevertheless I will not take it out on anybody but myself. I'm not going to go about all those cliche shit about how we sound much better than the other bands, although that's a fact. But rather, I'll just go on and blame myself. For going sharp throughout the song. Fine, I accept that. But even if politics played a fucking role in this shit, that's also my fault, since it's ME they have an issue with. Geez... What has the world degenerated into? A lump of waste matter.
For Pete's sake, your struggle for authority might make you seem so almighty, but don't come around and preach about being mature and able to integrate into the competitive society. Raising yourself to a 'I'm higher than Thou status' is such a juvenile, infantile act. Nevermind, since it's what you guys believe in, or probably live for. I've had enough, I guess it's the last of my auditions in college. Don't wanna jeorpardise other people who were competent enough of their chance to perform. I've had about enough. I'm over that point. My head's in a whirl now, my anger was just way too overwhelming. I'm not sure what I'm mad at either. But for sure, I am mad at myself. Loser me.
And you say Brave New World. I beg to differ.
posted@7:46 PM
Monday, August 15, 2005
Angst
I'm getting all emo right now after listening to A Decade Under the Influence over and over again.These days, people are all getting upset over issues that arise from so close, so close from the heart. My heart goes out to all of you people out there, and as much as I try to lend a helping hand over, I can't seem to get anything improving in relations. Girl issues are getting to me, and I'm locking myself in my room for longer hours than ever, screaming songs amongst the blasting stereos.
I'd like to dedicate my entry to two special people in my life of recent, more special than ever. Ironically all the girls I get involved with personally, not romantically, have names starting with S. Weird. Involvements romantically also begin with S. Even more weird than ever.
S1 and S2 they shall be then, the 2 people that is.
To S1:
I think control is the keyword to your situation, and apparently thing's just aren't control-able in your circumstances. As such, pick up the fragments of your broken heart and walk on. You will never be able to pick up every single piece that tore apart, and hence en route will be a painful journey. It will be painful stepping onto those pieces which you failed to pick up and nurse, and those pieces are the ones you should leave behind and never look back in regret - Those are the painful memories.
Nothing is ever easy, and I beg to differ about those who say that maintaining something is harder than starting something. I think in your case, the analogy is very much reversed. Starting to walk this painful pathway is alot more painful than maintaining it. And once you've started to do so, you'll be at the at of the road in no time. And rest assure, that all the blood and tears shed will be well sacrificed. Afterall, pain is the sign of weakness leaving your body. Be strong now, for you will become stronger in time to come. Be strong now, and don't falter, for I will be holding your hands. And may the existence of those giants comfort your walk.
To S2:
It was awfully surprising to realise the deeper dark side of you, not that it's anything negative of course. I'm more than willing to hear you blab out whatever you have in mind, and even lend you a shoulder to cry on. I hope the twilight tears of 30 minutes will cease to soak your pillow for as long as time permits. Your need for a guy is very much understood, and however strong that desire for that very one who you will not settle any less for, bear in mind - If you're looking for it, it won't come your way. That's just about how love functions I guess. Major understatement, but major explaination in that as well. Food for thought, I really wish you the best in all. And if you first ever ends up painful, which it will inevitably, you know who can count on for some instant first-aid. Nevertheless, I do sincerely hope it ends up well. Stay happy, be happy. Smile always. I'll always be behind, in front, left and right of you.
Cheers.
posted@9:27 PM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
The bloody US government.
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
Following the rights movements
You clamped on with your iron fists,
Drugs became conveniently
Available for all the kids,
Following the rights movements
You clamped on with your iron fists,
Drugs became conveniently
Available for all the kids,
I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,
Nearly 2 million Americans are incarcerated
In the prison system
Prison system of the U.S.
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me)
Minor drug offenders fill your prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your wars
Against the new non-rich,
Minor drug offenders fill your prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your wars
Against the new non-rich,
I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,
The percentage of Americans in the prison system
Prison system, has doubled since 1985
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me)
For you and I, for you and I , for you and I.
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
For you and me,
Oh baby, you and me.
All research and successful drug policy show
That treatment should be increased,
And law enforcement decreased,
While abolishing mandatory minimum sentences,
All research and successful drug policy show
That treatment should be increased,
And law enforcement decreased,
While abolishing mandatory minimum sentences.
Utilizing drugs to pay for secret wars around the world,
Drugs are now your global policy,
Now you police the globe,
I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,
Drug money is used to rig elections,
And train brutal corporate sponsored
Dictators around the world.
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me)
For you and I, for you and I , for you and I.
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
For you and me,
Oh baby, you and me.
System of a Down - Prison Song
Just when you win,
You wait back home.
I find some time to be alone.
I go to see the place once more,
Just like a thousand nights before.
Very political band, but I like.
posted@8:30 PM
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Oh!
This goes out to Sonia's very very adorable little sister, Samantha! Yesterday she made me laugh so much with that bubbly character of hers. Never had such a great laugh for a long time really. Ivan's getting old, probably dying. Anyhow, Thank you very much =)Hail the rock culture. Hail.
And I wasn't trying to show off when I made you this!
posted@9:47 PM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Mood Swings Kill
I've realised that these days I behave in a totally unorthodox manner, something I can't personally relate to. Though they seem like mood swings, they aren't because Ivan's not the kind of person who actually have them, and even if he's feeling down he wouldn't take it out on anyone. Not at all.Today I question about the topic of hedonism. That is, the pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the senses, according to www.dictionary.com. I've been thinking about it, and wondered if I belong to this category of people. I'm beginning to doubt my association with this genre of people, as much as most people think I would. There is no mistake that many people think I'm fun-loving, probably because I spread the love and joy and whateverthehellyoucallit wherever I go. As mentioned above, I don't take things out on other people, which also infers that I'm quite a happy-go-lucky person most of the time.
However, there is also no mistake that people, whether they realise or not, do possess some (not all) knowledge about my hobbies, past times etcetera. I do not like to do things most people enjoy in, such as Bowling, Pool, LAN Gaming to name a few. I used to take part in those alot, but as I grew up, it just wasn't in me to want to do things as such. They bore me, not only at the thought of it, but the mere mention of it. In that, I do not classify myself as a hedonist.
I've learnt to appreciate the finer things in life, according to my standards. And they have absolutely no involvement or whatsoever in the indulgence of much material wealth, or money in short. For example, I love going to beaches, especially with someone of the opposite sex. It's not because I'm a teresterone-driven sex machine, but rather a more comfortable understanding of both parties can be achieved easily. Cliche as it is, but such an establishment usually spells out the entire process. Just like how an introduction of an essay gives you a brief idea of what to expect further on. I simply enjoy discussing about the deeper part of out heart, our mind, our soul. It's a real heart to heart talk, and much facilitated by the beauty of nature. And if enjoyment of the senses, or rather the appreciation of it is considered hedonism, I'm nevertheless proud to be one.
I've always talked about the beauty of beaches and its awesome exuberance, with most of my close companions that is. And it's sad really, because a month or so ago I thought that I've found a perfect partner to go to beaches with all the time. At times I thought it was repetitive, and that I would get bored of it after some time. But I was proven wrong, because each experience brings a totally new and fresh perspective. Everytime I go there, I feel like I've rediscovered something new. Like I've been enlightened in a very simplistic sort of manner. Simple, yet I'm very much in love with it.
I'm also particularly aware of my appreciation for sceneries which I found to be boring, dull and stupid in the past. Not any more, because like people, tastes change.
But my love never changes.
posted@8:50 PM
Sunday, August 07, 2005
I'm ashamed.
OMGWTFBBQ!?!?!?
Now, who the hell's guilty of all this! OUT WITH IT.
For the love of the my eyes, you can't even spell HORNY properly. And its NAKED, not NAKE. You blaardy NIKE wannabe. Can't afford a pair of dunks, get BATA instead.
NU LAO SHI JUO AI?! (ie. Loosely translated as female teachers in sexual intercourse)
For Pete's sake... You guys are freaking the shit out of all aspiring NIE graduates out there. You are such losers...
Tips on flirting roflmfao. You're damn cute leh, you are obviously some son of a gun who has 0 charisma, and actually require books and information on how to flirt. If you're good with girls, you're good with girls. If you're a pathetic loser, then stay that way. Geez.
posted@1:25 PM
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Excuses
Yesterday, my Literature teacher proposed the idea - Could God be an invention of Mankind for a purpose in life?I couldn't agree more. I know exactly how controversial this topic is, but I like to talk about it. I'd like to make it clear that I'm not insulting or criticizing any religion, but this is just but mere a philosophy of a normal 17-year old guy who just can't stop thinking, and questioning.
I question about what people say about 'feeling' His prescence. It makes me wonder if you want to feel it, or because it's really there. It's awfully surprising how powerful the Mind can be. I'd just like to propose this analogy which happens very often during on of those many things we do in Canoeing - Pullups.
Some people, myself included need assistance during pullups. And there was once whereby I was assisting a fellow team-mate, and all I did was to merely place my hands on his back, and he had that perception that I was aiding him. But in reality I wasn't at all. Bassically, its all in the mind. He felt "lighter & easier" because his mind thought that I was assisting him. Interesting, really.
And also, I personally can't bring myself to believe a book. Much less lead my life according to its standards. But really, religion is great. It makes a person much better, if done correctly. No, no Holy Wars and Jihaad please. But think about the philisophy behind Karma and all, I think they really help make us a better person. It's always nice to see how you can brighten up somebody's life a little more, touch somebody's life a little. Especially so when yours is just full of shit.
But I just cannot tolerate people who continuously preach about the Almighty one, in an attempt to convert me into their religion. Nah, doesn't work that way. Because I fail to understand how God can exist with so much suffering in this world. I cannot get it really, no matter how much I think and read about it. Why is it that I'm sitting here in the comforts of my home and seat, while there is possibly someone getting tortured, suffering in poverty, or probably dying right now? Retribution and all? How do you prove it then? Unfortunately we can't, because living people aren't supposed to be in contact with the dead, much less those of another dimension, if it actually exists that is.
My fundamental about this life is simple, you die, you die. You don't go anywhere. Although I'm really afraid of life after death, I will never go beyond my principles. I think it's totally unsincere to pray to God just because you're afraid of retributive measures and all that jazz. Why not worship something you have total faith in, unconditionally?
No strings attached man.
---------------------------------
It's funny how I still feel for you sometimes. I begin to realise my need for that special someone. I just want somebody to be there for me, someone more than a friend. I know I shouldn't, but the term 'I can't help it' just bugs my mind. I really can't, but I'm getting along fine. It's not that bad being single.
But it's better if I had you.
posted@10:17 PM
Friday, August 05, 2005
When emo-punk meets classical, you have Yellowcard.
What's wrong with this world? I cannot believe the number of bimbos/humbos and stupid people I see in school everyday. Maybe Kerri has a point afterall. I can tell why she dislike stupid people so much. Same case with me, I think I'm beginning to think they're just empty dumbskulls who think they are almighty and raise themselves to a Higher-Than-Thou status, as Collin conveniently puts it.Whats funny is that these people CHOOSE to be stupid. They do things that are stupid, like bimbo-talk, gossip. I'm once again reassuring all of my utmost dislike for gossips and the people who start and spread them. It's fun yes, but not exactly fun for the victim. Think before you fucking speak for goodness sake, just think. I think at this point of time in your teenage years, everyone should be sensitive enough to know what to say and what not to say. If you have nothing pleasant to say, then don't say anything for the sake of saying something which you think might add some considerable amount of your so called juvenile infant-like fun shit.
Yes, you heard me right people, people CHOOSE to be stupid. Because I firmly believe that everybody has a considerable amount of intelligence as long as you're not a retard. But sometimes, the things these dumb-fucks do just terribly irk the hell out of me. And what's most appalling is that OTHER people actually engage in their mindless bullshit. I'm not the kind who like to quote names, but I'm quite sure that if you're reading this entry right now, and actually know the existence of this blog, you should be pretty close to me. Hence, you shouldn't belong to this category of people I'm terribly, openly, non-discretely critising and scorning right at this very moment.
I just wish these dumb-asses would think for once. If you're that Almighty and possess omgwtfbbq influence and all that jazz, you shouldn't be in CJC. Get it? I'm sorry if I sound arrogant, but I'm not trying to say I'm oh-so-smart. I don't care if you choose to read the first 2 paragraphs of this entry and then judge me from there, because the fact is, at the end of the day, I believe that everybody is equal, and possess a pretty similar amount of intelligence. Nobody is stupid, it's the actions you choose to do that make the person you are. I'm simply irritated by the number of bitching thats going around my life BEHIND PEOPLE'S BACK.
Please people, Karma - What goes around comes around.
Mark my words, mark them well.
Anyhow, Gifts and Curses is a great song, very emo, I like.
posted@6:17 PM
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I'd rather die.
During General Paper Tutorial earlier yesterday afternoon, the topic for discussion of the day was Capital Punishment - Abolish or no?Then something struck me - You mean a Death Sentence is worst than Life Imprisonment?
Picking up a newspaper or two lately, you're bound to be familiar with the case of Huang Na's murderer, Took, who's currently pleading for leniency on grounds that he's insane. In other words, his lawyer is doing his best to keep him alive, so that instead of a death row, he would be "pardoned" and receive a life sentence instead.
Note the use of " " for the word pardoned.
It's ironic, really. If you ask me, I'd rather die. Though I've personally never been in jail before, but I personally feel that given a choice, I'd rather die than live all my whole damned life in a prison. Imagine living in confinement, and probably be scorned in prison behind the backs of those ignorant wardens. You are trapped in a god-forsaken place of solitary, with the limited company of pathetic losers like yourself. I mean, since you're a loser, you might as well die.
I'm not preaching to all those losers in life, but being convicted as a murderer, how low can you get? Your dignity and self-righteousness have all probably been eaten by the fucked up values you possess. Not only that, you get a chance to realise the biggest puzzles in life, like the existence of God, and all that jazz. I'm really interested in knowing if God exists, because personally I don't believe in His existence.
And if He does exist, I'm sofaking dead I tell you. I'm just gonna get burned in hell and hell yeah, God won't have mercy on my soul. I'm such a sinner.
All that blasphemy, all that disbelieve in His existence. So dead...
You're just fucked, Ivan.
posted@9:48 PM
